Ten Commandments of a Successful NYC Commute

I. Semper Paratus.

You know what's more annoying than missing your train? Knowing that you missed it because you were stuck behind someone who is digging in their Barney bag for their Metrocard. I know that this probably adds a couple of minutes to my commute, but I can never get those seconds back. Plus it is just plain aggravating.

II. Keep Your Food to yourself.

This morning, I had the pleasure of a woman sitting next to me, and unwrapping her breakfast sandwich. It might've been a good sandwich, but it smelled like burnt toast and burnt bacon. Like can you go eat Angela's Ashes someplace else? If you must eat on the train, eat something that doesn't have an offensive odor. Perhaps a bagel, or yogurt, or a smoothie?

III. Get in where you fit in

The unwritten rule of mass transit is to respect personal space, and skip a seat. As the train continues on it's route, it may be harder to maintain this status quo because there's literally a zillion people in the city at any given time. But please, do not, under any circumstances park your extra wide ass in an extra not space. It's super uncomfortable. Also, if you get off before me, my leg is going to get cold because I don't have your body heat next to mine. That makes me sad.

IV. Don't mind my business.

If you look over anyone's shoulder at their phone, you are doing so at your own risk. You may get Candy Crush, or you may get a dick picture. Either way, you've lost your right to judge me, because you were being nosy.

V. If you see somethin, say somethin.

Warmer weather in the city means that Cuffing Season (is that still a thing?) is over, and all the tenderonis will be out. All of them. To be honest, I'm over the whole awkward eye contact on the train thing, where we go together until one of us gets off. Holla at playa, just don't be rude about it. Please note, women will be more inclined to talk to you, if you're freeballin in grey sweats. Thank me later.


But I didn't ask for this dance, and I will not be tipping you. Also, you ain't slick. That money isn't going to your basketball team, it's going to help pay for those Balmains and Bred 11s that you share with the crew. Your side hustle pays better than my adult job, and I'm steaming mad about it.

VII. Could you just not? 

If you bring your stroller or bike on the train during rush hour, Lucifer awaits you on the other side.

VIII. Don't touch me.

I will kill, or mace you. I'll decide when the time comes.

IX. Everybody Poops.

And pees. And voms. If your insides have an urgent need to be on your outsides, kindly go between subway cars, and handle that. Sick passengers are the worst. And it's the law that NYC residents have paid sick leave. So if you're sick, and you know it, stay your ass home.

X. Cleanliness is next to godliness.

I'm far the neatest person when it comes to my worldly possessions, but my personal hygiene is on a hundred thousand trillion. And try as I might, I cannot think of a reason why anyone should smell like they went hard in the paint at 9 AM. Not a one. If you forgot to put on some deodorant, because you were rushing, grab a travel sized stick at the nearest drug store. You can keep it at your desk, or you can take it with you. On a budget? No worries, Sephora has a selection of vanilla scented deodorant, and a whole selection of fragrance. The possibilities are endless.