Today is the first day of fall, which means you only have four weeks until Cuffing Season officially begins. If you don't have at least five people on your list of prospects, your cuffing season has been cancelled due to lack of hustle. Gone are the days when vegging out for hours was an unsexy thing you do by yourself. It's now a semi sexy thing you can do with another person. Here's a few tips to get you through Cuffing Season:
- Unless you've bought new pillows in the last six months, you need new pillows. Full, fluffy pillows provide excellent lumbar support. Also, no one wants to lay down on your flat, nasty ass pillows, or your threadbare comforter. There are hella end of season sales, find one, and treat yourself. You may find that you get snowed in with your CuffLink, and you don't want to be remembered as that person with the ?uestionab!e sleeping arrangements. PRO TIP: Is she Black? Grab a satin pillow case while you're at it. Complaints about The Bonnet with not be tolerated. All edges matter.
- Lose the notion that Netflix & Chill is a cheap date. Rent is $2000, bih, and that's the biggest expense when it comes to N&C. That doesn't mean you should show up empty handed though. Bring a bottle, or a fancy dessert to show your host that you appreciate their time and space.
- In all attempts to avoid boredom, and a midseason trade, maybe you should step outside for a bit. If Stacey Dash isn't too good for 2 for $20, neither are you. If your CuffLink is lacking in the conversational skills department, do an activity beforehand, so you have something to talk about. It would help a lot if your CuffLink's interests align with your own. For instance, if you're my CuffLink, you're going to have to watch every Wes Anderson movie, and comfort me when the Giants are ruining everything.
- Clearly define what the duties are for your Cuff. Do you have a starting 3 CuffLinks? Where do I fall in that hierarchy? Am I going to be required to spend holidays with you? Like what?!
- Set the scene. Get a candle. Make it comfortable. While you're out shopping for sheets, grab a power surge, so I don't have to charge my phone in your living room. The more enjoyable the experience, the more time you're going to spend with your CuffLink.
- Decide on a theme. This may be pretty taxing at first, but how much time are you REALLY going to spend watching movies anyway. If you don't even make it through one entire movie for the whole of Cuffing Season, you won. But in the off chance you do wind up watching a whole movies, you want to give the illusion of good taste.
- One thing about Cuffing Season, is that you have to treat a romantic CuffLink like a new dating situation. You got to put your best self out there. For ladies, that's the cute matching pajamas that your great aunt got you for Christmas; for guys, your best pair of grey sweatpants...underwear optional. Completely disregard this if you live on the razor's edge but you should always, always, always (always?!?! ALWAYS) be prepared to be safe. If you have an FSA account, you can order and pay for condoms with your FSA Dollars from Drugstore.com...this is also a great alternative if you are embarrassed to buy some in the store. If the latter rings true, I'll shame you in a later post.
- You gotta feed Bae. Food is fuel, and fuel is necessary for Cuffing Season. It can also be used as a weapon if you fall in love by December and need to sabotage Bae's bikini bod, because you're a SUFLAN, and need them to not attract the attention of other people. You don't even need to cook, just order the best take out there is. If you're the one who isn't hosting this lil get together, offer to pay for dinner (or breakfast ;) ), and don't be cheap.
- Cuffing Season jitters a real thing, so if you need to sip to take the edge off, sip responsibly. Or nah. I mean we all have that one story about what happens when the Henny's in the system. Should you do something you regret, blame it on the Henny. Henny can and will betray you at one point. We'll believe you.
Most importantly, have fun. Build a new, personal, healthy relationship, both with someone else, and yourself. Drink your tea. Eat your vegetables. Read your books. And I think when April rolls around, you'll emerge as a the glorious new and improved version of yourself, from the chrysalis of self improvement.