Cuffington Post, Volume 1

Today is the first day of fall, which means you only have four weeks until Cuffing Season officially begins. If you don't have at least five people on your list of prospects, your cuffing season has been cancelled due to lack of hustle. Gone are the days when vegging out for hours was an unsexy thing you do by yourself. It's now a semi sexy thing you can do with another person. Here's a few tips to get you through Cuffing Season:

  1. Unless you've bought new pillows in the last six months, you need new pillows. Full, fluffy pillows provide excellent lumbar support. Also, no one wants to lay down on your flat, nasty ass pillows, or your threadbare comforter. There are hella end of season sales, find one, and treat yourself. You may find that you get snowed in with your CuffLink, and you don't want to be remembered as that person with the ?uestionab!e sleeping arrangements. PRO TIP: Is she Black? Grab a satin pillow case while you're at it. Complaints about The Bonnet with not be tolerated. All edges matter.
  2. Lose the notion that Netflix & Chill is a cheap date. Rent is $2000, bih, and that's the biggest expense when it comes to N&C. That doesn't mean you should show up empty handed though. Bring a bottle, or a fancy dessert to show your host that you appreciate their time and space. 
  3. In all attempts to avoid boredom, and a midseason trade, maybe you should step outside for a bit. If Stacey Dash isn't too good for 2 for $20, neither are you. If your CuffLink is lacking in the conversational skills department, do an activity beforehand, so you have something to talk about. It would help a lot if your CuffLink's interests align with your own. For instance, if you're my CuffLink, you're going to have to watch every Wes Anderson movie, and comfort me when the Giants are ruining everything.
  4. Clearly define what the duties are for your Cuff.  Do you have a starting 3 CuffLinks? Where do I fall in that hierarchy? Am I going to be required to spend holidays with you? Like what?!
  5. Set the scene. Get a candle. Make it comfortable. While you're out shopping for sheets, grab a power surge, so I don't have to charge my phone in your living room. The more enjoyable the experience, the more time you're going to spend with your CuffLink. 
  6. Decide on a theme. This may be pretty taxing at first, but how much time are you REALLY going to spend watching movies anyway. If you don't even make it through one entire movie for the whole of Cuffing Season, you won. But in the off chance you do wind up watching a whole movies, you want to give the illusion of good taste.
  7. One thing about Cuffing Season, is that you have to treat a romantic CuffLink  like a new dating situation. You got to put your best self out there. For ladies, that's the cute matching pajamas that your great aunt got you for Christmas; for guys, your best pair of grey sweatpants...underwear optional. Completely disregard this if you live on the razor's edge but you should always, always, always (always?!?! ALWAYS) be prepared to be safe. If you have an FSA account, you can order and pay for condoms with your FSA Dollars from Drugstore.com...this is also a great alternative if you are embarrassed to buy some in the store. If the latter rings true, I'll shame you in a later post.
  8. You gotta feed Bae. Food is fuel, and fuel is necessary for Cuffing Season. It can also be used as a weapon if you fall in love by December and need to sabotage Bae's bikini bod, because you're a SUFLAN, and need them to not attract the attention of other people. You don't even need to cook, just order the best take out there is. If you're the one who isn't hosting this lil get together, offer to pay for dinner (or breakfast ;) ), and don't be cheap.
  9. Cuffing Season jitters a real thing, so if you need to sip to take the edge off, sip responsibly. Or nah. I mean we all have that one story about what happens when the Henny's in the system. Should you do something you regret, blame it on the Henny. Henny can and will betray you at one point. We'll believe you.

Most importantly, have fun. Build a new, personal, healthy relationship, both with someone else, and yourself. Drink your tea. Eat your vegetables. Read your books. And I think when April rolls around, you'll emerge as a the glorious new and improved version of yourself, from the chrysalis of self improvement.

Ten Commandments of a Successful NYC Commute

I. Semper Paratus.

You know what's more annoying than missing your train? Knowing that you missed it because you were stuck behind someone who is digging in their Barney bag for their Metrocard. I know that this probably adds a couple of minutes to my commute, but I can never get those seconds back. Plus it is just plain aggravating.

II. Keep Your Food to yourself.

This morning, I had the pleasure of a woman sitting next to me, and unwrapping her breakfast sandwich. It might've been a good sandwich, but it smelled like burnt toast and burnt bacon. Like can you go eat Angela's Ashes someplace else? If you must eat on the train, eat something that doesn't have an offensive odor. Perhaps a bagel, or yogurt, or a smoothie?

III. Get in where you fit in

The unwritten rule of mass transit is to respect personal space, and skip a seat. As the train continues on it's route, it may be harder to maintain this status quo because there's literally a zillion people in the city at any given time. But please, do not, under any circumstances park your extra wide ass in an extra not space. It's super uncomfortable. Also, if you get off before me, my leg is going to get cold because I don't have your body heat next to mine. That makes me sad.

IV. Don't mind my business.

If you look over anyone's shoulder at their phone, you are doing so at your own risk. You may get Candy Crush, or you may get a dick picture. Either way, you've lost your right to judge me, because you were being nosy.

V. If you see somethin, say somethin.

Warmer weather in the city means that Cuffing Season (is that still a thing?) is over, and all the tenderonis will be out. All of them. To be honest, I'm over the whole awkward eye contact on the train thing, where we go together until one of us gets off. Holla at playa, just don't be rude about it. Please note, women will be more inclined to talk to you, if you're freeballin in grey sweats. Thank me later.

VI. It's SHOWTIME!

But I didn't ask for this dance, and I will not be tipping you. Also, you ain't slick. That money isn't going to your basketball team, it's going to help pay for those Balmains and Bred 11s that you share with the crew. Your side hustle pays better than my adult job, and I'm steaming mad about it.

VII. Could you just not? 

If you bring your stroller or bike on the train during rush hour, Lucifer awaits you on the other side.

VIII. Don't touch me.

I will kill, or mace you. I'll decide when the time comes.

IX. Everybody Poops.

And pees. And voms. If your insides have an urgent need to be on your outsides, kindly go between subway cars, and handle that. Sick passengers are the worst. And it's the law that NYC residents have paid sick leave. So if you're sick, and you know it, stay your ass home.

X. Cleanliness is next to godliness.

I'm far the neatest person when it comes to my worldly possessions, but my personal hygiene is on a hundred thousand trillion. And try as I might, I cannot think of a reason why anyone should smell like they went hard in the paint at 9 AM. Not a one. If you forgot to put on some deodorant, because you were rushing, grab a travel sized stick at the nearest drug store. You can keep it at your desk, or you can take it with you. On a budget? No worries, Sephora has a selection of vanilla scented deodorant, and a whole selection of fragrance. The possibilities are endless.

 

 

if all the snowflakes were lollipops and tequila shots...

OH what a snow that would be. Amirite?!?! If you live in the Northeastern region of the USA, then you, like myself, are stuck indoors for the next couple of days while we bear the brunt of Winter Storm Juno aka Snowpocalypse 2015. New York City is expecting two feet of snow, and I'm expecting to go out of my mind with boredom. Also I think I'm coming down with a head cold. But as I mindlessly scrolled through my social feeds today, I found that most of my people were concerned if they had enough alcohol to ride the storm out. So, if you've gone stir crazy, and are completely out of ideas as to what to do with your time, I invite you to play my snow day drinking game.

 

SNOWPOCALYPSE NOW DRINKING GAME

Drink when:

  • Your alarm goes off at its regularly scheduled time.
  • You decide that you're going to be productive for the day.
  • You realize that you probably should've gotten more groceries.
  • You give up being productive.
  • You put on your pajamas and resign yourself to a television marathon.
    • Drink twice when Netflix asks you if you're still watching.
  • You think about going to play in the snow.
    • Drink twice if you actually do go play in the snow.
  • Someone makes a Frozen reference, then punch them for lack of originality.
  • You change into new pajamas after your late night shower.

I'll be chronicling my snow day adventures on Twitter and Snapchat, [foreverie], so tune in for some shenanigans. And if you're snowed in with your S.O. don't forget that I'm not going to your baby shower in October.

the first one

If we're being honest, this was supposed to be posted on the first. Basically, I'm actually two weeks behind on my biggest resolution, which is stop BSing and stay committed to the blog I start pretty much every year. This time was a little different, because I didn't just start this one out of thin air. I've spent months, massive chunks of time within months, curating ideas and props to blog the way I want. It's been a long road that has led me here, the inaugural post.

Now that I think about it, I'm pretty behind on my other resolutions as well. My bravery of posting was knocked down a few pegs when I logged onto the internet and saw some of my peers doing amazing things, and me just over here bring content. I'm aware that this has nothing to do them and their success, and  everything to with me and my propensity to quit when things get a little tough. But it's time for a fresh start.

So here goes. And thanks in advance for bearing with me.