Cover Your Mouth

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I always hate this time of year because the sun is up way longer than it needs to be, its like 90 degrees out, but then it's also fall. I just got over a summer cold, but I'm almost certain more sickness soon come. So I'm going to share some of my tips on how to nurse yourself back to health. 

I. BEDREST

Stay your ass home. Most companies allow you to take off because your sick. And while you think coming in while you're a petrie dish of gross shows your amazing work ethic, it actually makes you look selfish. You clearly don't give a damn whether you spread your germs all over the workplace. This can be confusing because you may not feel completely incapable, but you are. You look dead, you smell dead, and you'll have a terrible attitude because your arch nemesis is gonna try you. Go somewhere and sit. You are doing too much.

II. MEDICATE

Assess your symptoms. At the beginning of this cold, I thought I had hay fever, but it was actually a head cold. So I took the wrong medication and had to suffer for another 8 hours, until it was okay to take something else. Also, don't be like me and take  your medication when you start feeling ill. If I had a dollar for every time that I waited until Death was upon me to take a pill, I'd be a wealthy woman. Over the counter medicine is fine, but if you aren't feeling better after 4 days,  you should probably see a doctor....but I'm not a doctor. 

III. STAY HYDRATED

My favorite sick drink is orange juice. PRO TIP: Chase each glass of orange juice with a glass of water. All the acid in OJ will irritate your gums. Which feels and looks gross. If you're going to be in bed anway, you might as well be lit. That's where a Hot Thotty comes in. Not only is it delicious, it helps sooth you, it'll keep you lucid so you don't suffer nearly as much. I should probably strongly suggest you don't take NyQuil and a hot thotty together, as it can probably kill you. I'm also a fan of Organic Cold 911 from David's Tea with a splash of bourbon, if I'm feeling lazy.

IV. REMEDY

Two years ago, I purchased an essential oil diffuser. I rarely use it, but congested times call for desperate measures. I use a kind of funky oil blend to help aid my congestion. The best part about it having a weird smell is that I'm usually too congested to smell it. An alternative to an oil diffuser is putting a heaping helping of vap-o-rub in a wax warmer, for the same effects.

V. NOURISH

Chicken soup. Duh

VI. RELAX

First of all, if you take a sick day, and you don't watch The Price is Right, it's not even a real sick day. Fatigue and sleep paralysis will beset you, so don't even think about using your brain. Any work that needs to be done can wait, because whatever you come up with is going to be straight trash or your Magnum Opus. Surely there's an SVU marathon ready to haunt you in the space between dreams.

Those are my tips for a speedy recovery. Do you have any special home remedies for when you get sick? Drop it in the comments below.

 

 

Recap Friday: BALLIN'

AMERICAN HORROR STORY: CULT

We've been had, y'all. Again! We are 2 episodes in to this season and I'm already bored. I usually don't hit this point with AHS until episode 10, when I'm overthinking how in the world THEY are going to resolve all these plot twists in 3 episodes. I am fed the eff up. Seriously, his is all Ally does:

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She sees a clown, and has an episode. That's really it. In this episode, Ally and Ivy are PEAK CAUCASITY. They have a son, named Oz. Oz being short for Ozymandias. If that's not some nonsense, I don't know what is. Winnie, their weird ass babysitter still has a job, and is even minding Ally, while Ivy is working. Honestly, if Ally gets hacked to death at any point in this season, I will be satisfied because homegirl voted for Jill Stein.

Again! I'm bored but still watching.

BALL IN THE FAMILY

This is my absolute favorite thing. Ball in the Family is pretty self explanatory.  It's a Facebook exclusive reality show that follows the Ball Family living their lives. First,  how cool is it that there's Facebook exclusive content that I don't have to pay for but really want to see. There'es a rumor that Marshawn is also getting a reality show on FB. I will not  miss an episode. Blanyway, this is my new jam. I love the Ball family. It took a while for me to actually get behind the Big Baller Brand. I realized that I fucks with the vision when I understood that NEVER in my life have I had anyone believe in me as much as Lavar Ball believes in his kids. Also, Lavar is a charismatic loudmouth (#GOALS), so when he speaks, I pay attention because memes and shenanigans ensue. What I love most about this show is viewers seeing The Boys' personalities. Before watching, I always said LiAngelo, who seems like he's the definition of a middle child, is my favorite, cuz he's the cute one. Even Zo labels him as a sex symbol. Though in 3 epsiodes, the one who I enjoy most is LaMelo. I knew he was #iconic, when he, Zo, and Lavar were on Monday Night Raw, and he screamed "Beat that nigga ass" into a live mic. He's also just carefree AF. Possibly, in my very unexpert opinion, the best basketball player of all The Boys.

 

Recap Monday: Hibernation Soon Come

When you are as antisocial as I am, the end of summer is a marvelous thing. The sun goes down earlier. The weather is cooling out. Football season! The best part of the post Labor Day season is television gets like so good, and I don't feel guilty about not going out at all. Pretty much all of my shows are coming back, and I've seen quite a few new shows that look like they are worthy of a spot in my lineup. Thus, I'm introducing Recap Fridays. Every Friday, I'll be recapping episodes, making predictions, AND there will definitely be spoilers. 

AMERICAN HORROR STORY: CULT

At the end of every season of American Horror Story, I complain about how much I hated that season, and renounce my fandom. Then, every fall, I wind up begrudgingly addicted to the new story line. So that's what I did on Tuesday night. I crawled into bed, accidentally watched Guardians of the Galaxy, and got into American Horror Story: Cult. The first things first, I'm #Blessed that AHS has been moved to Tuesdays. Now I don't need to chose between that and Designated Survivor. Second, I noticed that I have to stop live-tweeting the entire episode, if I want to bring cohesive thoughts to Recap Friday. 

This season takes place after the 2016 election, when everything pretty much goes to shit, both on screen and IRL. I can already a lot of 'ripped from the headlines' story lines forming, and I'm psyched AF, because that's what I like.

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So immediately, AHS is with the shits. Real election footage was used, and a lot of people on my timeline were triggered. I wasn't, and I'm pretty sure it's because I was asleep by 11 on Election Night. Sarah Paulson's character, Ally, is grossly offended at the fact that Donald Trump is offended, as was I, so I'm rooting for her to sort through her shit. Trump being named President Elect has Ally T R I G G E R E D. She starts seeing clowns like everywhere, and has to go on medication...that she doesn't take. I promised myself that I wouldn't be this kind of person after the election. Of course, that requires that I maintain some level of ignorance of current events, and I'm absolutely okay with that. Ally played me though, because after all of her hyperbolic bullshit, we found out that homegirl voted for Jill Stein! I was shook.

I already have a lot of thoughts about which direction this season is going to go, and if they develop and resolve all the story lines accordingly, this could be one of the BEST seasons. 

PREDICTIONS

  • Kai (Evan Peters) is the mail equivalent of Darth Susan...maybe Darth Chett. Also he's probably, definitely, maybe into some twincest with Winnie (Billie Lourd).
  • Winnie, is probably also a serial killer.
  • Harrison, though not introduced officially, is probably one of those clowns that is terrorizing the neighborhood, and is actually what Billy Eichner does, so it's not a stretch.

Here I am, starting yet another AHS season, and I'll probably be disappointed.

As the fall premieres begin, I'll add them to the recap line up. I will for sure be watching Law and Order: True Crime, Catfish, Designated Survivor, and SEAL Team?

Are there any series you're looking forward to seeing this fall?

I Saw Dawn of Justice and ...

I've been feeling kind of down lately, and I figured that if I get back to doing some of "my things", I could lift myself out of that funk. Enter, the midnight movie. In my young adulthood, I would go to midnight premieres all the time. Then I became an actual adult, and going to a three hour movie at midnight, just to get home at 4am, and get up at 7am for work, had Z E R O appeal to me. Fortunately, the midnight movie has grown up with me, and now happens at 6pm, getting me home at a respectable 10, and giving me a full eight hours of sleep. Yay. So I decided that I was going to see Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice.

When I got to the theater, I realized that I was the first of my friends to arrive. As I looked through the crowd, I thought that I might could find a boyfriend there. Usually, there's an abundance of cuties at these things, who are lost in the sauce of comic culture. The ones who are only focusing on trying to outdo their last con costume, so they don't have to tell lies, cheat on you, and subsequently, just you at all. Then I thought nah. It seems as though accompanying them to these premiers or drops is a big part of that, and I'm 89% antisocial 100% of the time. Also, I don't think I can truly cannot love a man who is still carrying around a mostly empty, too large messenger bag.

I went into the theater blindly. I didn't watch a trailer, and I avoided reviews like the plague. All I knew, was that I wanted to see Batman fade Superman so hard. Which might have happened, and IF it did, then I feel like a terrible human. I also have no knowledge of the DC canon. Plus I'm a professional hater. My official ruling on the movie, is that I loved it, for the most Kelli reason imaginable. Zaddies EVERYWHERE. It was like everywhere you turn, there's another fine man, You know I love that sh*t.

The front runner for this was Jason Mamoa as Aquaman, however if you blink you'll miss him, so that does't count. But Ben Affleck came though in the clutch. Actually, Ben has been in the  top 3 of my DILF list for at least five years. He's aging quite well, even if it is movie makeup. He looks great in his suits, and in the Batman costumes. There was a workout montage, where Ben is all  sweaty and what not, Peak fun for me. Until Kevin Costner returned from the dead. Then I was like:

Jesse Eisenberg as Lex Luthor was the weirdest part of this movie for me. For one, I'm sick and tired of the whole villainous mushroom thing he has going on with his roles. What' happened to innocent, yet snarky Jesse from the Emperor's Club? Still, there was a sexiness to him as Lex Luthor. I was also grappling with the fact of me not finding Henry Cavill attractive at all, the chest hair peaking out from the super suit was working for me. 

You should definitely go see Dawn of Justice. Maybe don't bring your kids, because it's a little dark. But 11/10 would see again.

The End of an Era

The summer of 2008 was the beginning of my Britney year. Whether it's over or not has yet to be determined. But it all began with my then boyfriend breaking up with me. In the aftermath, I was left to sort out who I was without my person. 

Did I really like Wu Tang? (Yes)

Did I really like Dominos pizza? (No.)

Was I an awful girlfriend? (I mean, maybe sometimes)

Should I have given so much of myself to THIS NIGGA for so little in return? (Hell. No.)

One of the subcultures I got involved in while in this relationship was body modification, specifically tattooing. My then-novio's mother took me to get my first tattoo on my 18th birthday. I was prepared for pain, but something about it was quite soothing. The whole process took about 12 minutes, and I watched Thriller to drown out the sounds of the machine. Afterwards, I was completely obsessed with my right shoulder blade. I also decided that I didn't own anywhere near enough racerback tops.

When you get your first tattoo, there's a moment, when the artist is cleaning you up, you decide either you're never going to get another tattoo ever again, OR you're going to look like a New York City train in the 80s. I was the latter. Anyway, after this breakup, I decided that the small artwork that I had gotten was no longer adequate. I was rebelling and needed to make my body different the one that Ol Dude knew. Which is how I became a piercing enthusiast (read: doing the bare minimum to qualify as an enthusiast). So, one summer night, I'm with my cousins in (on?) St. Mark's, and decided to do something ~*CRaZii*~, and I got my first non ear piercing (for clarity, not on my doll parts) For eight years, its been holding me down as, like, this fun sexy secret. I was all like:

 

So this past Sunday, I get out the shower and its looking highly suspicious. I was worried that it was infected, so I call the place that I got it done and they tell me that because it's "well aged" that it's probably not infected, but probably aggravated and I probably need new jewelry. But I should come in and get an opinion from the piercer, who is at the shop across the street.  I put it off for the week, and finally went to get it checked out last night. 

I went to the shop DIRECTLY across the street from the shop, called Jewels 32, and the guy at the counter was a complete asshole. I mean, I went in there with some positive energy because we're not trying to have him mess up my delicate tissues because he's all mad. There also a couple of scene girls sitting in the front who were trying to channel Amy Lee and failed. When I finally made it to the place I was supposed to be, Elite Jewelry, I was greeted by Roxy, who was so helpful and fun. She informed me that my piercing had migrated and it was time so say buh-bye. 

I felt like a part of me had died.

That sounds like an exaggeration, but its I really feel like a part of me is missing. I almost shed a real thug tear

I mean, nature answered the question of when I should probably phase out of my young and fun days, so that's a relief. So I guess this is another break up, of the abstract sense that's going to force to figure out who Old and Fun Kelli is. I'm looking forward to it, but I just might turn into 2001 Mariah.

Surviving Family

Thanksgiving is less than a week away, and we're officially headed into a month long marathon of quality family time. Which isn't the absolute worst thing, but it's definitely a struggle. As a twentysomething dealing with family during the holiday is increasingly unsexy. I'm already stressed out because of reasons. I might even be hungover. So, don't push me.

What's with the barrage of questions? I reluctantly accepted your Facebook friend request so you can find out the answers to these questions in real time. And I kept you as a friend even though you leave uncool comments under my thirst trap selfies, and tag me in clickbait. But we are family, and I tolerate it because I love you. As a matter of fact, I think most of my calorie intake during the holidays comes from me stuffing my face to avoid these questions. Please, don't bring up my dating life. I'm not seeing anyone, because Fuckboys are more abundant than hydrogen, and I'm chubby, and Michael B Jordan won't let me love him, and SVU marathons are very important to me. I'm not looking to date someone you know, who I "would just love".  Wait three more years, when I'm 30, and then I'll consider it. Also, let's not talk about my career path. I'm doing okay, but if you know of a part time gig, that pays like $90k an hour, let me know, so I can forward you my resume.

I've Checked in to Hotel Cortez

[ may contain spoilers, but that's not my fault. stop streaming, and get cable ]

YALL! I've been waiting for Wednesday night's premiere of American Horror Story: Hotel since the last season ended. When Freak Show ended, I was disappointed. I didn't think I would enjoy Hotel at all, but the first episode is enough to make me forget that Freak Show (and that one time that I watched Scream Queens) ever happened. As an anthology series, you'd be better off skipping Freak Show, and heading face first into season 5, Hotel. Ryan Murphy taught us all a lesson that night. We hated the PG-ness of Freak Show, so now he's messing our whole lives up, and I'm so here for it. 

To set the scene, Hotel Cortez, is in Santa Monica, and the people who stay there die. Lowkey, they deserve it. If you're going to stay in a hotel where you didn't check Yelp reviews, then you don't really have the right to complain when things go awry. I have a hard time going to restaurants where I can't view the menu online, so this whole hotel thing would've been a hard pass from me. Then when people check in, Iris (played by Kathy Bates), is all like there's no cell signal or wi-fi here. WHAT?!?!?!? Check out is at nope o'clock. That's unreal.  

But I think the most stellar performance of the evening belonged to Mother Monster. Lady Gaga has been MIA from the mainstream spotlight for quite some time, but now I've seen the fruits of her labor, and I'm impressed. First of all, her entire wardrobe was stunning. The lace! The sequins! The bleached brows! I loved every second of it. Then it got weird. So The Countess, and her boo go strolling, and pick up a couple at a park where there's a select few weirdos watching Nosferatu at a park. Great. They get back to the hotel, and get naked. Wonderful. It gets all skinemax. Perfect. Then people die.

Despite the weirdness of the whole thing, it was actually very romantic. Like Morticia and Gomez, directed by Baz Luhrmann and Quentin Tarantino. Now all I need is for The Countess to be wearing the Alien shoe at any point in this show, and I might could join the Lady Gaga fandom...whatever it's called.

As usual, I'll be tuning in every Wednesday, live tweeting the whole thing. Tune in, and follow me, as I document my stay at Hotel Cortez.